Unwanted reminders (tagging Tide)

He moved a bit around to get comfy, and she wasn't doing a good job of hiding the tears, making him hug her tighter. He'd seen the fear, but the worst part was the resignation when she'd lured him away. Nec had seen the fare well in her eyes, she absolutely expected to die and he hated that! Nobody should want to die for his sake!

"He wasn't wrong though. It's a miracle the Order let me live, and nobody would've batted an eye if he'd given me to the sun." It made him shudder, but honestly, why hadn't he? Because of his mother? Maybe she'd told him not to? Nope, Not thinking about it, instead he cuddled tighter. "I know it's not my fault, but it also is...".

"I'm not, I'm- one of a handful. I know what should've happened, to me and them, just not what actually happened...". And it wasn't pretty either. He almost told her but she kept talking so Nec shut up, in a moment he didn't know what to say anyway, her words made him speechless.

If Jasper had any idea of being not good at speeches, she could think again. She couldn't see it but might feel her hair getting a bit wet from tears, that should be proof enough. His mind was a mess, he had issues with a lot of things, but people still cared, he knew that, but Odhran had ripped up a lot of the old things Nec thought he was done with and it was making him struggle.

Still...

"Thank you" he choked out, curling around her and hugging tight. "Don't know what I did to deserve you."

It was in fact happy tears. Well, a mix at least, and he gave a tiny smile at her laugh. Nec had never been one for deep thought, at least not about himself. Anything uncomfortable was squashed down to hopefully never again see the light of day, but now he didn't have a choice.

"Guess I at least had a little bit of sense then. I'm glad I did. I uh... tended to scare off anyone back then. The few who might be 'friendly' despite that I chased off deliberately."

Nooooo he didn't want to burden her with his messed up mind! But... she deserved to know, didn't she. Whatever had happened back then, and for now. He trusted her with anything, Nec realized, and didn't that mean to trust her not to laugh at him too?

"Jeremi said I should talk to someone... but that sounds like I need a shrink, I don't want you to have to endure that... Wouldn't even know where to start, or on what...".

"I almost said you didn't know me back then, but yeah you did. I'm starting to wonder if I was different there. Because seriously, I can't imagine anyone wanting to be a friend with how I behaved back then." Really, he actively ran people off the few times someone tried. "Whatever it was I'm glad you were stubborn enough."

Shifting a bit, his shoulder was starting to ache, Nec ended up mostly on his side, making it easy to see Jasper but at the same time harder to talk, especially after that declaration.

He took a long time to think, but every time he started he came up short. Where?? "I--". And Jeremi had been right too, Nec knew he needed to talk he just didn't want to. It was scary. "I think... I know I have problems. I don't trust people, like most people will trust anyone to at the very least not poison their food or stab them in the back as soon as they turn around. I don't. I can't. Even if I want to."

"Not necessarily kill. But I grew up in the Order, and- its hard for anyone outside to understand how it works. The laws are one thing but the... social stuff?" This was a bit easier to talk about, just explaining the workings. "I'm a nych. A changeling born instead of made, and he wasn't wrong with calling me a freak. A true changeling have one goal, and tht is to free and serve Gunmar. They owe him, he literally made them. The fact that he, or his soldiers at least, kidnap troll whelp to do so seems to kinda slip their minds."

Stopping for a moment he had to gather his thoughts again, he was distracting himself, allowing himself to veer off.

"Point is, trust is bad and will get you hurt one way or another. Would. There. Here is... not like that, but it's still hard to make my mind accept that." He gave a sigh and slumped a bit. At least he was talking, right? "Weird thing is, I think I trusted you back there. I don't think I even questioned it here after our lunch."

"I think so? The thing about nychs are what they imply. Changelings have sex drives like any other, but they're not supposed to develop relationships. It means their loyalty is divided. It takes many times, for one to get pregnant and-- yeah, you get the idea. It's fucked up, I know, the whelp pays for it, but they do too. Mostly they're executed, parents and whelp, dunno why he got to live. Blackmail probably."

It was hard to explain in a way that made sense, and he wasn't doing it well.

"Have you heard of the n-word? Nych is bout the same. I think we would just go as 'whelp', but again, taboo and shouldn't be alive so nobody cares what we're called."

He had? He's trusted her that much back then? The idea was warming, he'd hoped but couldn't be sure, but if he'd fallen asleep with her he really did trust her. And she made sense." I know. It's just frustrating when I meet people and know for a fact they're good people but still catch myself in stuff." Oh. "Maybe that's a thing. The few I trust, maybe I'm afraid of having it broken so I just decide to not trust? Less pain that way?"

And of course she made a joke of the stabbing! But it was right up his alley so Nec barked a laugh, grinning and earning them Mirum's gaze, his sharpblade bonded. At least he didn't offer some snarky 'advice'.

" At least I saw it coming this time, hm? Got ple ty of marks where I missed it."

Okay good, if she knew that she knew roughly what nychs were in the society. "Alright, so yeah, I'm more or less a slave, except I didn't cost anything to get." It wasn't nice to think about but he'd accepted that part and shrugged, nodding to her next words.

"Heh, yeah, was proven right several times. There was one guy though. He worked in the kitchen and sometimes left be bits of the nice cuts from the higher ups' food. He was nice, but one day he stopped showing up. Never found out what happened to him." Could have been anything from an accident to caught by a troll.

"If you want." Maybe talking about them, or the stories behind them father, would help get him in a roll? Give him a starting point? Maybe...

He suppressed a wince when she wiggled into him, something had pulled on his wound but it didn't stop him embracing her as she settled.

"Maybe, but I do now. A few, but the number is growing, slowly. Raf and Keldos, Cobalt, Anari..." hmmm, "Takini think, and Gertrude, Rissi's Rider. Not to mention you." There were of course a few different levels of how much he trusted them, some more than others, but it was still trust! "And those from earth, a lot was happening when I left." Hm? Knew what. He'd missed something, was she hinting at something? He gave her a quizzical glance but of course she couldn't see it.

Oh. Huh, he'd never thought about that, but it wasn't impossible. "That's... a good idea, might be. Or at least a part of it. Dittin told me more than once I was just alive so they had someone to throw at Bular when he was in a bad mood, but Dittin was an arse and a liar." Which, more or less described most changelings.